A Personal Post About Depression

5:00 AMDollie Simpson



I don't often get very personal on this site anymore. Mostly because it has gotten so big, bigger than myself even. Somethings I feel should be kept private, while others need to be talked about. I think this finally crosses the line. We don't often want to talk about depression because it's very personal, private and people feel shame in it. I think that maybe it's time we all start talking about it, because it affects a lot more people than you would think.

This summer I went into a depressive state. Now that I am doing a little bit better, I think I can talk about it. While it was happening I only confided in a few of my closest friends. Luckily I have a really good support system around me, that others may not have. So I am writing this post to firstly help myself. I used to write to get out my feelings, and lately I have not been doing that. Secondly, other people may be going through similar things and may feel alone in it. So I am here writing from my heart to say that you are not alone. Depression can affect anyone, no matter your age, gender, social status, wealth, or upbringing. Sometimes you don't even know why you are depressed or what triggered it. At least that is how I feel. So I have been doing some soul searching for lack of a better word, trying to experience new things in an effort to break me out of my funk.


I have struggled with depression on and off through most of my life, but in the last 10 years or so I have been generally happy. That is why this recent bout of depression caught me so off guard. How could I be depressed? I am not allowed to be depressed. I have a lovely home, a good career, and a husband who loves me. I have no complaints in life, I am happy! Right?


The more I thought about it, I was starting to feel like I had nothing to look forward to in life. I was feeling hopeless. It's silly, I know, but depression is like that. It just doesn't always make sense.


I am a social creature by nature, so I couldn't keep these feelings to myself for long. I ended up talking to a few good girlfriends and finally my husband. I think one of my girlfriends hit the nail on the head. She was privy to info that not many people where. I feel bad even talking about it here, because it's very personal. But this fall my husband and I had a pregnancy scare. It was the closest I've ever been to thinking I was pregnant. It turned out to be a really bad stomach flu, but for a while there I was really convinced. We both were. So when it turned out to be false I was both relieved and disappointed at the same time. It really sent me down a dark tunnel of evaluating my life. My friend brought up a good point. She said that the scare set off my depression because I am now at the point of my life where I have done everything I am "supposed to do" in life at this point. I wasn't born into a privileged life. I never even thought I would own a house, make good money. or have a successful marriage because I hadn't seen one first hand. So I already feel like I accomplished more than I had set out to do.  But here I am, I'm married, I own a house, a good career, two cars, a dog and a cat. A baby is the next logical step, if we want one. But if we decided we don't? Then what? A logical person would say....enjoy your life and the hard work you put in, travel, etc! A depressed person says, I have nothing to live for now, nowhere to go from here.



I feel like as much as I like my life, I was in a rut. I have been doing the exact same things for years. The same vacations, seeing the same bands, wearing the same clothes. I had grown tired of my life. Since I decided that the impression that my life had grown stagnant was causing my depression, I decided to see what I could do to bring joy and excitement back into my life. 


I needed a break from rockabilly I guess. I decided to look back into things I had enjoyed before. Seeing other bands that weren't rockabilly, wearing different clothes, meeting new people.  I decided to look up bands I used to like as a teen. I bought their records, their tee shirts, went to see them play live. And I LOVED it! I met up with someone I previously only knew from Facebook and we went to Knotfest together. It was the biggest festival I had ever been to. Multiple huge stages, huge set-ups and people as far as the eye can see. I was right up front in a huge crowd, got knocked down by a crowd surfer and got a bloody nose. But you know what, I felt alive. I had a blast. This was anything but stagnant. So I bought more tickets to other shows. I bought a faux leather jacket, some shadow plaid, a mini skirt! I was having a ball. Slowly my depression lifted and my re-ignited flame for hard rock and roll stayed. I feel like I cheated on rockabilly a bit, but hey, it's okay.


"Hey, it's okay".

It's okay to feel down sometimes.
It's okay to take time for yourself.
It's okay to try stuff outside of the box.
It's okay to revisit things you used to like and once wrote off.
It's okay to try new types of styles.
It's okay to meet different types of people.
It's okay to be different.

I found this helped me to get out of my rut, get out of my depression at least for now. My husband has been as supportive as he can, even though change is always hard. We changed a few things in our life that was making it stagnant, taking us the same places over and over again. I'm ready to get back into things I used to love, like art. I changed my daily schedule. I get up earlier and work out in the morning, allowing me more time in the evenings to be home and do what I want. I started to re-focus on my health. I don't stay out as late on weekends and I drink less. I am saying "no" more often. No to going to the same places, doing the same things, seeing the same bands. I just need a break for myself, for my health. I needed something different, and that is what I am giving to myself. I no longer will do what is expected of me, just because it's expected. I will work on doing what is right for me, no matter what others may think. I love this quote and need to be constantly reminded of it:


So there you go. In closing I want to say that depression is something we need to talk about, even though it is hard. More people deal with it than you realize. I am doing better by just re-evaluating my life on a day to day basis. Doing what I can to make myself happy. Focusing on today. I ask you to do the same. Make sure what you are doing is making you happy, and if not, respect yourself enough to change it.

XOXO
Dollie 

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22 comments

  1. Thank you Dollie for posting about this.I have struggled with depression/anxiety most of my life,and it makes me glad to know that people are talking about more openly, sharing and I think -in turn- understanding more about mental health. I too am very happy and very grateful for the life I have built for myself,so It can be so confusing and difficult to get though.
    I'm a hairdresser ,and this time of year especially (the Holidays and Winter weather) people talk to me a lot about suffering from depression,and at first I was nervous about sharing with them that I too struggle with those issues,but it makes them feel better,and it makes me feel better too. Recently I joined a gym,and its been a really fun experience so far,I'm getting into lifting and have been trying to learn as much about it as I can.

    I have so much respect for you,and have always enjoyed ready your blog ,you are lovely :)thank you so much.
    Bree (@breeluxe)

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind response Bree! I find that the gym helps me a lot too, so I am focusing a lot of energy there right now.

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  2. Before I had kids, the last thing I wanted was kids. My husband and I fought constantly over having them, he wanted them, I did not. I was happy living my life, going to shows, blowing my money on shoes. Or so I thought. When I became pregnant with my son, I thought my life was over. I was so depressed the entire time. Even after he was born, it took me a long time to adjust from having the freedom to do whatever I wanted to do. Now looking back, I really wasn't living my life. I thought I was. I didn't really take joy in anything...I guess what I'm trying to say is, sometimes it doesn't matter if you think you're ready or not. Sometimes the things that scare us the most, are the blessings in disguise.

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    1. So true! I am worried that I would suffer from postpartum depression, which turns me off to the idea of kids. I'm worried I would be a depressed mom, and no one wants that. So right now I'm putting off thinking of kids until I get healthy again. I'm so glad it all worked out for you, congrats!

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  3. I've been reading your blog for a only a little bit but don't believe I've ever commented. Thank you for sharing something so personal. I've found that the times in my life that I have been most depressed is when I'm doing what is expected of me and not what I want. Sometimes the expectations are that of others and sometimes they are expectations that I have imposed on myself. Either way, I was not living a life that was true to myself. As hard as it is to change the things that are stifling us, the pay offs are worth it. Again, thank you.

    She Knits in Pearls

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  4. Thank you for sharing this Dollie, too many people still think that depression is something to be ashamed of and hidden away, hopefully the more people there are talking about it, the more people there'll be who feel able to get the help they need.

    Also, when you said "I no longer will do what is expected of me, just because it's expected. I will work on doing what is right for me, no matter what others may think", that pretty much sums up the way I see life - though I wasn't taught it, or brought up with it as an idea, it's one I had to develop on my own but I think it's one that's helped to keep me strong when things have seemed harder than I thought I could manage.

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  5. Thanks for sharing something so personal, Dollie. And you are so right - sharing your story can help others too! I have been dealing with a shaky mental state for the past year and a half and it is hard work every day to keep going forward and trying to make things better. The only person you have to answer to is yourself, and whatever makes you happy is exactly the right thing to be doing. It's awesome you have a wonderful support group to help you work through everything. I've been going to therapy for almost two years now and it's so helpful. I often feel like I'm taking one step forward and two steps back, but at least that's one step farther ahead than I was before! Thank you again for opening up in such a public forum. The taboo on talking about mental health is stigmatizing and damaging, and you're absolutely right that it's something that deserves attention! Sending lots of positive energy from Upstate NY!

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    1. So true, it really is something you have to work at every day and people don't get it. Thanks for your positive energy!

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  6. Thank you for sharing. I deal with depression every day, and am currently trying to get off my medication, as I am focused on health and self healing. Big hugs lady. Now, lets go see some M. Shadows A7X

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    1. This was my fav comment. Ha ha! Yay for AX7! Woot! I just started medication, and I really think it is helping. I totally look at it differently now. I know I don't want to be on it forever, but I think I really need it right now.

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  7. Thank you for sharing this...I lost a friend to an awful event that was a result of depression. It is refreshing to know that posts like this exist so that they may hopefully prevent events like that. Recognizing that a problem exists is the first step to solving it.

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    1. Exactly, so true. I didn't want to be one of those cases. Where everyone thinks, "Why? She always seemed so happy". Sometimes there is a lot more going on than people think. I knew something was wrong and I am trying to fix it. That is truly the first step!

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  8. Bravo to you Dollie for taking this head on. I'm confident you'll straighten it all out, you're a smart cookie and a good person. And for what it's worth, when me (and a lot of other people) are feeling a little down your site always picks me up and makes me feel a little better - you have a real positive impact on your readers out here, so give yourself a pat on the back!
    I can also tell you'll be a great mom some day if that happens. Only good people worry if they'll be good enough for all the responsibility - and if or when that day comes, it'll be the greatest day of your life! It was for me and I had doubts too.
    So keep smiling we're all rootin' for you! Big hugs.

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    1. Ah, thank you so much! That really makes me feel good to hear that. I always need a reminder! Much love.

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  9. Thank you, Dollie. I have been dealing with MDD since I was a child. It is a hard road, and the more people speak up about it the less the stigma will be. It is not always easy to be open, and I certainly pick my audience, but it is usually worth the support I get. Best wishes xx

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    1. Thank you so much for your support Mabel!

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  10. I can't tell you how much I love this. I have been through a lot of things in the past 25 years of my life. A lot of it good and though that should outweigh the negative that leads to depression, it didn't. I lost someone very dear to me and though I was suffering from depression before, it helped me to spiral downwards. I'm not very open about my daily battle with depression or what I feel causes it, but I will definitely try some of the things you have done as in shake up my life and get out of my rut/funk that I've been in for the past five years. Thanks, Dollie!! Really and truly, it does help when people with such a popular blog openly talk about such important issues such as depression. It makes people like myself feel like I'm not alone. :) Shalom to you and your family!

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    1. Oh totally, we are not alone. I think a lot more people deal with it than they even realize, especially women! Talking about it can help in so many ways. Thank you for your support and your lovely comment!

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  11. Oh Dollie. I've been right there along with you this past year. Derek (Mitchell) and I (this is Michelle, BTW) broke up for a little while this past April. It made us both have to scramble to find a place to live, me ending up renting a room from a friend that I had known for over 15 years and him staying with a friend until something more stable came up. After about 6 weeks apart, we decided that we wanted to get back together. But during that time, my "friend" I was renting a room from got a little upset that we had gotten back together (we still don't know why, but we think it had to do with money, since I had just received a raise at work) and really made living with her more like an utter nightmare. I was attacked twice, I've had lies spread about myself and Derek. Derek was attacked by her boyfriend. I lost several friends that I thought were my good friends, because they couldn't bother asking me if what she was saying was true or not. I quickly fell into a deep depression, trying to put on a smile daily, dealing with the day to day struggle of a new position at work, living in another new home (that has been great to me since the day I moved in), and refusing to go out, because I didn't want to see anyone I once knew. I've met some new people and have learned to stop pigeon holing myself. My former friends were "rockabilly" and so what. It's who we were, but I'm tired of labels. I bought a motorcycle and ride it when I can. I started listening to other types of music and realizing that I can't be just this one person with blinders on forever. I'm too old for that and I am missing out on so much of life. I went to the Motley Crue concert and rocked out. I listen to Nicki Minaj (guilty pleasure) when I work out. I wear skinny jeans and motorcycle boots whenever I want. And I've set goals for myself for this upcoming year. Trying to return to the person I once was with moderation, get out more and not care who I see, enjoy those who are in my life more, but more importantly learn to forgive those that have done me wrong and not dwell on it. Because I feel that dwelling is what is holding me back. I'm proud of us. You and I, girl. We've both grown into something more and better since realizing that yes, we have depression. Yes, we can overcome it. Yes, we are more than what we claim we are. Keep on keepin' on, sister! (P.S. I had a pregnancy scare that not too many people know about while Derek and I were apart and he was the only one there for me when I found out, so I'm very thankful for him.)

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    1. Ah, thank you so much Michelle! I am sorry to hear you went through that this year. Let's both have a better 2015. And yeah, it's okay to wear skinny jeans, dang those things are comfy! ha ha ha

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